Thoughts

I just received a call from my OBs office today to confirm that I am no longer pregnant as my blood results came in as <2 hcg

I have three beautiful babies that are healthy, smart, creative, adorable, and so much fun to be around!
Grace (8 will be 9 next month)
Matthew (3)
Will (1 who will be 2 next month)
I laugh daily.
I love being a mom.

My husband and I decided to not have another baby and to wait until the fall of this year to have our serious conversation. For my husband I know he wants one more, and as for me... I wasn't so sure. I get miserably ill during the first 4 months of pregnancy, and if I do not take Zofran (an antinausea med)  I puke all day long. I can't keep water or bile down for that matter. And yes...  This is up to delivery. If I forget to refill my prescription or forget to take it the night before I'm in the toilet and my day is shot. I also got to be honest and say I am nervous to bring another baby into our home. So many things would change.
-plans would have to be stalled. House projects etc
-vacations will be pushed back
-balancing 4 children?!
-3 is enough right?
-I'm comfortable with where we are at. My husband and I are finally a couple,  I'm not this zombie sleep deprived nursing mama bear roommate.
-our youngest will be potty trained before I know it and NO more diapers!

As for birth control my OB and I decided that the Paragard ( Copper IUD) would be the best. I do not do well this hormones but I am a fertile mertile and I knew I had to do something. And for over a year and a half I've had no problems with it.

Up until 3 weeks ago.


::Breathe::


I knew I was pregnant before the pregnancy test confirmed it.  I was extremely crabby like pms to the extreme. I even had a little melt down the night before mothers day. I was extremely emotional and exhausted all the same. I just felt weird and anticipated a very bad menstrual cycle. At this point I am very regular and was already 3 days late.

I know my body and I knew that I was pregnant.

Taking a pregnancy test is a major anxiety for me. It even created anxiety when we were trying for Will. It's a struggle because I remember being 17 and taking my very first pregnancy test and it coming up positive. I still can't shake that memory. And even if I was wishing for a positive result my heart always jumps.


Wednesday

I just came back from the grocery store with my boys. I actually ran to the back of my van pulled out the test that I bought and ran back inside to pee on the stick. I quickly put it down...  Decided not to look at it and went to get the boys out of their car seat.
Going back into my bathroom was terrifying. At this point I was a few days late and I kept avoiding the thought of being pregnant. I mean I just need to relax and seeing a negative result would fix it!

It was negative

I remember calling my girlfriend who too thought I was going crazy..... And encouraged me to relax.


Thursday

That night I ended up running to Target. After a day of babysitting AND staying in the house all day AND still angry about my period not showing....  I needed some air. As I passed the beauty and pharmacy department I somehow ended up staring at pregnancy tests. I then started to debate with myself over which brand and why the hell I am doing this to myself.

-this is such a waste of money
-but I know I am I'm not myself
-but you have an IUD your driving yourself batty
-maybe I should Google some of this 
-maybe you should just buy a test and do it in the morning.
-its stronger first thing in the am...  I can then try to relax for through the weekend. 
-I should buy two. That way if it's not here by Monday I can retest. 

Needless to say, I purchased a double packaged First response Pregnancy test. My goal was to pee on the stick the following morning.. to calm my nerves since it didn't work the first time. ha.

It was raining by the time I came home. I remember it being cool and damp. I was crabby as all get out and refused to buy ice-cream in fear of gaining weight since I was bloated as is. I swiftly went inside the house and hid the pregnancy box under my sweatshirt before anyone saw. I go upstairs to our master bath to hide my box of answers and wait for morning. But I instantly get annoyed and angry about waiting... so...

I did it then and there.

Two

Pink

Lines

I was pregnant and I knew it.

::Breathe::

I stared at it... For what felt like hours.. and then began to shake. I headed downstairs to tell my husband. My heart  rate is up at this point and I begin to sweat. I'm angry and I of course start to cry.
My husband doesn't believe me. I have to bring him upstairs and pee again on the other stick.

"Maybe its a false positive" he says.

"Babe-- there's no such thing." I cry

I ended up calling the on call physician and made an appointment with my OB the following morning.

I remember being very negative and scared. HOW THE FUCK do you get pregnant with an IUD. And I started Googling. Don't worry my husband did too.. and from what we found... this was going to be a scary ride.

::Breathe::



FRIDAY

My OB appointment went kind of crazy mostly a blur as I still was so shocked with it all. He did an exam saying that it doesn't seem like my fallopian tubes were swollen. He was really concerned that this was an ectopic pregnancy. The IUD was placed fine, no problems there (beside it fucking failing) and my hormones were also very low... I was "just pregnant". He advised that we keep the IUD in and have another blood test in 48 hrs. "Why take the IUD out now when we don't even know if this is a viable pregnancy"

But I was pregnant.
I have healthy babies and no history of miscarriages.
What do you mean viable?
Holy shit he's not taking it out.

I was in shock and scared like no other. My IUD became foreign. And the more I thought about it the more I wanted it out.

I had to wait all weekend.
This left us with lots of time to think.
My husband and I agreed that we wanted this baby. After the initial shock we truly wanted everything to be healthy and for things to run smoothly. I mean I was pregnant with a child... there's no doubt in my mind that this child would have fit perfectly in our little family.

I even remember saying to my husband Sunday morning:

"Oh-- I am going to have this baby... its just my luck... why would God let this happen and take it away"

MONDAY

The morning came and went. It seriously was the longest day of my life. I had my blood drawn and was waiting for the doctors office to call.

That afternoon I spoke to one of the head nurse's. She had no clue on what to say... I could tell she was trying to read my OB's handwriting and started telling me about this Methotrexate shot. I thanked her for her time and asked to leave a message with my OB and he called shortly afterword.

He explained that although my levels doubled my progesterone levels were abnormal. He told me this was not a viable pregnancy and apologized wishing he had better news.

I fell silent and shortly after repeated everything he just said to me.

He apologized again and suggested we test in the next 48 hrs to see where my hcg levels are at and go from there. If they remained the same or went higher I was to get this Methotrexate shot. But if they fell then I was going to go through a 'natural miscarriage'. He was very concerned on whether or not I was experiencing any pain. And told me I would know if I was in any. He starts listing off all the side affects of this methotrexate shot and orders a blood panel to make sure I'm able to go through with it.

I am still digesting everything.

I was in shock.

I asked for an ultrasound. I knew I was only 5 weeks pregnant. He agreed, and mentioned that although they may not be able to see anything the Radiologist may determine swelling in my fallopian tubes...... which could give us another clue onto what is happening.

I couldn't help but think that he is wrong and I am just one of those odd ball cases that has babies at abnormal levels.

I was bargaining.
I was in denial.

My husband was on the couch listening. He had came home early with lunch and just to be near me. I told him. We looked at each other. I was very calm and collected and what I believe to be in shock. I leave the comfort of my couch and head outside. For whatever reason I feel so much better when I am outside ( I love long walks, runs, feeling the sun on me, hearing the wind, birds... it's a peaceful place for me)  I ended up watering our newly bought sod and began to  de-weed our yard.


It was warm and the sun felt so good on my skin. But as time passed I noticed that I was humming and singing.. realizing that I was trying everything in my power to not think about what I just was told and...I lost it

I couldn't stop crying. The tears just keep rolling down my cheeks. My kiddos all noticed and were worried. I told them that I wasn't feeling well and excused myself from dinner to jump into the shower. And of course this is the best place in my home to let it all go.

My heart was broken. But a hot shower and a good cry relieved some of my heaviness. (for the time being) But as I was drying off and getting my pjs on I noticed bright red blood strolling down my legs. That put me into a full blown panic attack. I was a fucking mess. I screamed for my husband. Fell to my knees and started breathing really fast or rather not breathing and feeling like I was going to pass out.

"I cant do this I cant do this I cant do this" is all I could say. Falling into my husbands arms hyperventilating and shaking like I have never done before.

My heart was breaking and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

I ended up calling a friend who unfortunately went through two back to back miscarriages just recently. She truly understood my gut retching pain and listened to me. It felt good to talk to someone who gets it. I needed her that night, and will forever be grateful for her presence and words of advice.



TUESDAY

Yes, I was one of those patients that cried during the entire ultrasound exam. I drank to much water and was cramping so bad. The poor technologist was so annoyed. I was an emotional time bomb and no one knew when I would blow up.

The results suggested that there wasn't an ectopic pregnancy detected

but it could not be ruled out.

WEDNESDAY

Another blood test.
And a doctors appointment.
I took my husband this time.

My levels dropped

I was having a miscarriage

My doctor reassured me that these things happen. When my husband asked if this was caused by the IUD he paused. Looked down and contemplated his answer. He said we should not blame the IUD for the cause of this miscarriage. And although the IUD causes a hostile environment that could have created difficulties there are many other reasons for why I could have miscarried. He even thought this could have been an ectopic that resolved by itself. But I cant help but think that the IUD caused this. I have no history or any problems with getting pregnant. If anything I get pregnant fast and easy.

I was heartbroken and a complete mess. I never ever want to go through this again. I couldn't stop crying. I experienced nausea, diarrhea, night sweats, exhaustion, cramping, leg pain, and clotting. OH. MY. GOD. the clotting. For those that think this is just a heavy period... there is no flippin way. I was so very achingly sad and in pain. And I hold on to so much guilt.

My heart hurts. I will never forget this. I never knew how much I loved my unborn children before meeting them. The connection and love starts from the very beginning for me.  I wanted this baby. I would have taken every day being sick for this child. I was devastated to think that I was unable to provide a home for this baby.... and I hate that I was unable to do anything about it.

You have absolutely no control

I am not looking for sympathy or for your apologies for what I have gone through. I am using this blog to cope with my thoughts and feelings. This is my story. I don't want to hear your opinions on this was a "chemical pregnancy" or that it was only a clump of cells. I believe that the moment I see those pink lines that I am pregnant with a child. I understand that miscarriages are common, and that I was "lucky" to have gone through it early on. I've done the compare game and I'm over it. This was a big deal to me. It is a big deal to me.


But as for now-- the only tools I have is prayer and time.

I just received a call from my OBs office today to confirm that I am no longer pregnant as my blood results came in as <2 hcg

I am no longer holding a baby.
This nightmare seems to be over on paper.
And there's my story.

And I am so sorry.

Identity.

Who am I?

Kind of a silly question.

Does anyone really know who they are?

Are we supposed to even know?

This is something that I have struggled with for years, and finally have decided to give up. Not because its hard or annoying or insanely confusing (HA)... but I have a new perpective. 

I have tons of titles.



Wife

Mother

Daughter

Neighbor

Cousin

Babysitter

Friend

Coworker

This list can go on....

But striving to find out who you are and what purpose you have in the world is just ( in my opinion ) a waste of time. I believe you change almost constantly, and chasing it can be so confusing. To be content in the present moment is my goal. 

A lot of people that know me... think they know me... but I'm quickly realizing a lot of that is for outside show. Everyone has their demons... And their own personal stories.... Some in which will most likely come out in this blog.

Characteristics and info. -- this was harder than I thought--

I am loyal

I am trustworthy

I am stubborn

I don't follow worldly things (I'm really bad at knowing who famous people are)

I am shy and tend to be quiet

I'm observant and can read people well

I trust my gut more than anything

I hate being lied to

I am not a social butterfly (like my husband)

I put other people's feelings above my own (which really needs to stop or at least even it out... )

I am not confident whatsoever ( work in progress aka this blog)

I love music

I am addicted to chocolates and fruits

I love long walks

I love gardening and flowers

I allow my emotions to control me ( work in progress) 

I am faithful

I have trust issues

I hated my teenage years

I'm not a jealous person

I try to be optimistic but I'm way more "realistic" 

I enjoy photography

I miss playing the piano

A licensed radiographer 

I'm a momma bear

I enjoy being a staying at home mom

I have two children ( one bun in oven) and one husband ;)

I was one of those teenage... Single mother.. 18 year old .. not married...young ..young moms

Oh the rambling begins! I can probably still go on... But my posts in the future may reveal more as well. 

Alright. I'm done. Here it is. My identity in a short.. crazy... all over the place blog! 

Until next time....

.









Beginning.

It's Friday. An early morning for me... as I find my little one crying "momma" from his crib at 5.............am.

Let me first start by saying, I have no clue what drove me to do this. It was very spontaneous but very infectious . As I sit here and play around with all these settings... I realize that this "blog" will be under-construction... for  a while.

Secondly, I'd like to be forward and let you all know that I hated English class in HS. I hated writing papers. I suck at writing.  When I find out that friends and/or neighbors that are journalists or interested in journalism... or being an English major for that matter...  I feel for them.. i can't wrap my head around it. I am a science brain. I love the body, I love biology, I love the study of the world, climate, and oceans. I love science. My grammar and sentence structure sucks. I have a science brain.... Just a forewarning. 

My goal for this "blog".... hmmm not sure I have one.. I suppose I'll use this to share my thoughts, struggles, triumphs, and possibly find myself in deeper level. I am a quiet observant kinda gal that has healthy boundaries, so doing this is WAY out of the box for me.
I will try my best to have a theme for each blog... praying I wont run-on and on and on.

So there it is.

My very first blog. 
Oh-- what will come of this.... We can only wait and see!